Spoon Theory

I’ll be honest. I’ve gotten tired of hearing the word “spoons”. I have issues, but I can normally soldier through. I have several friends that can’t, and it’s hard to understand when having limited options isn’t really something you deal with…at least often. Life isn’t always a breeze for me and never has been (says the sickly attention seeking girl who used to sleep in the nurses office when her parents wouldn’t let her stay home). This is my “not often” time however.

Spoon theory is credited to Christine Miserandino (I will admit my research on that was limited to the first page of Google) and spoons just happened to be the available tangible object of the time. It could also be chocolate bar theory, or money theory (we all fucking know that one), or fork theory…because everyone needs a good fork…am I right? ::rolling eyes at myself because that happens:: Moving on. The point of it is that invisible illnesses limit energy forcing the bearer to pick and choose what they can do throughout the day. You don’t always know what those limits might be so you have to use at least one “spoon/chocolate bar/dollar/fork” less than you think you can use so that there is always something in reserve.

I’m currently at that point where I have to monitor what I “think” I’ve got left. Thankfully I know my chemistry will bounce back in the long run, and I’ll be fine. Though that money theory….no clue when I’ll knoe just how many dollars I need to keep in reserve.

Life goals.

See you next month.

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November 29

I think the truest version of yourself comes out when you are up against a wall. Not the “desperate no where to turn” wall that pops up when you find yourself on the back end of the Titanic about the time it going down. It’s the walls that come when your entire world is about to change. Trying to hang onto your life enacts the “id” which is not necessarily you. Trying to hang onto the life you’ve created is entirely you.

This year I’ve come out of my shell. I can talk about sex and only blush a little with the occasional giggling fit. I was naked in a crowd. I hug. I’m generally happy. I go to parties. I’m doing well. At least I thought I was. Now that all this shit is happening I’m retreating, I’m shy, and I’m angry again. When I noticed this I became more distraught. All this shit happening and it turns out I’m still all the things that I didn’t like about myself? Then I realized I was aware of this. It’s a step in the right direction. And indeed my entire world is about to change completely. Stands to reason I’d slip back into old comforts.

“Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. but it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.” – Winston Churchill

Everything will be OK in the end. If it’s not OK…it’s not the end.