To Write or not to Write

I got the kind of news on thanksgiving day that you keep thinking you’re going to wake up to find it was just a bad dream. Mostly. I knew the possibility of it all. It shouldn’t come as a shock, but when it happens to someone you love very dearly, someone who affects so much of your life, it’s hard to get out of that denial.

Now it colors every aspect of my thoughts and I’m not sure what to write about.

If this was just a diary I would write any drivel that seeps across my addled brain. I’m kind of glad I have an audience…however small. It discourages me from wallowing in my own self pity. It still makes interesting topics difficult however.

So the answer is…write. That’s always the answer. No matter what. Write.

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Depression Sucks

I’m sitting here listening to comedians. I cry 2 or 3 times a day…for no reason really. My heart feels like a vice grip is wrapped around it. My stomach has stones resting inside. I shake occasionally. The knot in my throat never quite goes away even when give in and cry.

There’s no point.

I want to give myself a gold star when I get out of bed, but really that is something I should be doing. I’m so much more than this.

And I’m nothing.

Depression sucks. I don’t have it because I’m still functioning right? But shit I don’t want to. No wait…I don’t think I can. I am side lined in my own fucking life screaming….STOP IT! Why am I even trying? It’s all going to happen again.  It doesn’t matter what you do ultimately you will fail.  The world will become numb to you or you to it….you’ll fade away. Stop.

Or is that the voice that lies?

When you’re depressed you can’t tell. All the rational, logical, factual sentences in the world can’t make what you feel seem less real. At first it does. Right now I can tell myself it’s going to end. It’s going to get better. If I cry and throw a fit it will be a five year old child acting out for absolutely nothing. It’s the nothing that sticks. No wonder I’m scared of things I can’t control: black holes, tidal waves, massive earth quakes. I know what’s coming and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. But I should be able to because it’s my own fucking head. I don’t get it. I wonder if this will be the one that ends me. I wonder when I’m supposed to call uncle. When am I supposed to admit I’m actually a weak useless person?

Which one is the lie?

I’m sure you can answer that question, but take a gander through my head and see just how sure you are on the other side.

Kintsugi

Kintsugi
She held her pieces in her hands

The way that only broken can

Looking up with pleading eyes

“Help me make it through the night”

When the last one broke her tether

She put herself back together

Looking in with beauty bold

She painted in the cracks with gold

Learning not to be afraid

Understanding what life has made

She holds herself in her hands

And no one needs to understand

Break

Break

She’s just a girl

No need to fear

Yet somehow unsure

You shy away from here

She’s no monster

That would make sense

Humans are cruel

They stand on pretense

Can’t find connection

Then they wipe out

Yet in their darkness

They have their doubt

Seeking forgiveness

A place to belong

The world crashing down

It won’t be long

Now looking at her

Something is wrong

Here in the middle

She doesn’t belong

You know what it is

Crushed under the weight

She does not need

And she won’t break

Incomplete

There’s a thing you do not see

This hurricane inside of me

The few that have been close enough

Have known the angry swirl above

That’s just the edge, just the tip

Of the rage’s will to rip

But that’s not the final piece

That’s not what’s inside the beast

What scares me most takes another form

It is the calm inside the storm

Still, there is a curiosity

To know this thing inside of me…