Bear

I wish I was a bear

Wrapped and warm in fur

Hidden away from winter wear

In sleep I would confer

I find that I am bare

Naked without my faith

Exposed and retreating where

Sleep becomes a wraith

I wish I had a bear

Stuffed full of love and hope

With button eyes so fair

Stable against this tightrope

I have all these wishes

And the warmth of friends that care

Full of love their dishes

My heart beats as the bear

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To Write or not to Write

I got the kind of news on thanksgiving day that you keep thinking you’re going to wake up to find it was just a bad dream. Mostly. I knew the possibility of it all. It shouldn’t come as a shock, but when it happens to someone you love very dearly, someone who affects so much of your life, it’s hard to get out of that denial.

Now it colors every aspect of my thoughts and I’m not sure what to write about.

If this was just a diary I would write any drivel that seeps across my addled brain. I’m kind of glad I have an audience…however small. It discourages me from wallowing in my own self pity. It still makes interesting topics difficult however.

So the answer is…write. That’s always the answer. No matter what. Write.

If it Happens to You

It’s NaNoWriMo time. I’ve attempted this a few times, but 1667 words a day is a bit much. Let’s face it, I can’t even write….words…a day. That sentence doesn’t work because I don’t. I’m my biggest enemy in doing the shit I want to do. 

I looked into some NaNoWriMo alternatives, but I’m pretty sure I’ll fuck that up too. So this is my personal alternative: 

Stop, drop and write! 

I’m going to set an alarm for 6:30pm and try very hard to stick to the plan that no matter what I’m doing, even if I’m fucking my boyfriend, I’m going to stop and write…something…for the next 30 days. 

Today you get:

If it Happens to You

People who can’t pull their weight due to an invisible illness are irritating because autoimmune and mental illness issues are bullshit. Are you seeing red or are you going to continue reading?

While I always tried to be sympathetic to friends that bailed on me for reasons that weren’t readily apparent sometimes I got annoyed and thought just that first line. I even suffer from depression. Fuck you I hide in my office when I loose my shit. I’m well aware not everyone has that option. I’m also well aware people have it worse than me. Just sometimes….don’t worry I talk to myself the same way. Pretty sure we all do at some point. 

The autoimmune spectrum is a different animal for me. I’ve always been kind of sickly, but I got my ass up and did shit. I got a masters degree in 2 years while working full time. A couple of years ago that changed. I started getting sick and the doctors never could give me a straight answer. Being poked, prodded (nerve reaction tests seriously suck), and fed steroids for months on end did nothing but keep me vaguely functioning. I quit eating gluten on recommendation from a friend and took care of most of my issues. I still:

  • Run fevers for no reason
  • Have my tonsils swell up and turn white for no reason
  • Get fatigued to the point that walking across a room kills me for no reason
  • Deal with all the crap that happens when I eat gluten even though I’m constantly told that it is all in my head

So feel free to get annoyed sometimes with that friend who can’t get an actual diagnosis from a doctor or really doesn’t look sick. I won’t judge. It’s hard when you’ve never felt it. Just make sure you make a concerted effort to continue understanding most of the time, because, trust me, you’re going to need it if it happens to you. 

Kintsugi

Kintsugi
She held her pieces in her hands

The way that only broken can

Looking up with pleading eyes

“Help me make it through the night”

When the last one broke her tether

She put herself back together

Looking in with beauty bold

She painted in the cracks with gold

Learning not to be afraid

Understanding what life has made

She holds herself in her hands

And no one needs to understand

Break

Break

She’s just a girl

No need to fear

Yet somehow unsure

You shy away from here

She’s no monster

That would make sense

Humans are cruel

They stand on pretense

Can’t find connection

Then they wipe out

Yet in their darkness

They have their doubt

Seeking forgiveness

A place to belong

The world crashing down

It won’t be long

Now looking at her

Something is wrong

Here in the middle

She doesn’t belong

You know what it is

Crushed under the weight

She does not need

And she won’t break

Incomplete

There’s a thing you do not see

This hurricane inside of me

The few that have been close enough

Have known the angry swirl above

That’s just the edge, just the tip

Of the rage’s will to rip

But that’s not the final piece

That’s not what’s inside the beast

What scares me most takes another form

It is the calm inside the storm

Still, there is a curiosity

To know this thing inside of me…