I turn forty in June. Science has yet to develop a way I might miss this deadline. Well…I could die. Let’s hope not. This is also not the deadline you were looking for (cue Jedi hands).
Forty got me thinking about all those things left I might regret on my death bed: A trip across the pond (the big one…either one…I’m leaning towards Atlantic) and publishing a book.
That’s kind of a short list. Does this mean something?
Anyway, with that in mind I set about making yet another deadline for myself: Finish editing by April 30th. If I do that I can hand it over to an editor and be prepared to publish in June. This time I didn’t tell anyone. Why torture myself more? I’m not as masochistic as I used to be…or maybe I am. It could have been a strange twisted need….psychological introspection.
The point of this post is its April 20th and I’m done. So…no more setting deadlines in public. I contacted an editor. I submitted my manuscript to a publishing company that requested it a while back. This is all pretty much a done deal.
I keep vacillating between “meh, whatever” and “OHMYFUCKINGGODDESSWHATAMIDOING?!” (because anxiety).
If Entangled refuses it (pretty certain they will) I will self publish in July. Why waste however much time on rejection from publishers when I can get it from the whole world all at once. ::grin:: So brace yourselves:
I find myself in dark places
Open worlds and cramped spaces
Fear and lust and sorrow
Dread and hope tomorrow
I search in other faces
I try to walk in their paces
But I lose myself in their lyric
Their ivory towers vampiric
Worshipping painted idols
I see slaves proud of their bridles
I know that I cannot be found
In the grooves of well-traveled ground
To wander is truly the cost
When looking for things that are lost
And in the light I find only traces
But I find myself in dark places
How do I know I love you? You scare me. I could tell you it’s because I would die for you, which I would, but dying‘s easy. If I were dead I wouldn’t have to deal with this shit anymore, and, quite frankly, that doesn’t seem so bad. The reason you scare me is because you make me want to deal with the shit so, maybe, I’ll actually live here, not just exist here. I don’t know if you’ve got demons like mine, but they can be a bitch. So you scare me because you make me want to face my demons so maybe I won’t lose you in their masochistic self destructive frivolity…and that’s real.
Among the lights where I reside
He grasped the universe within my eyes
The brightness drew him to my side
But in the darkness he saw lies
Fascinated by my wrappings
They only prefaced our descent
Somehow he found me lacking
But he failed to see what I present
There’s always blackness between the stars
There’s always shadow in the day
So much more hides in the dark
But that is where he lost his way
He wasn’t meant to walk with me
And on my own I’ve done so well
It’s not an easy thing you see
And still I find on this I dwell
You’d think with worlds inside of you
It might be easy to be alone
With nothing outside to see me through
I fear at times I’ll come undone
Looking up to my reflection
I’ll ask the bodies time can’t reach
For one proficient in my affection
To navigate this stellar breach
And wonder if the stars are lonely
With so much emptiness around
But I can ever wonder only
While I seem tethered to the ground
Watch me softly heavenly forms
As I grapple with these scars
Finding words outside the norms
My conversations with the stars
Ponder broken glass
Where other’s see destruction
My tribe finds beauty
Now and then I want to be
In another person’s head
To see if they live like me
Half alive and half undead
Decisions made by council?
Or do they simply know
A word that rhymes with council?
Oh, I lost my train of thought
Have they done what they’re supposed to
‘Cause that’s how they were taught
Do they find the place to go to
When everyone forgot?
Do they only know they feel
By the attention people pay?
Because they become unreal
When people look away
Can they know they hate something?
And love it all the same
And wonder how they’re feeling
So many different ways?
Most of all I want to know
If they’re lost and can’t go home
Everywhere where they look or go
No matter what they are alone.
I wanted you silenced
I’ve done my penance
Your anger and rage
Would not clutter my page
I left you in darkness
Sign of my weakness
A perfection to harness
And not a complete mess
‘Til no passion burned
And all my dreams turned
Into orderly chaos
And blind ripoffs
But I am no angel
I crave my danger
Without it my peace
Is a lie in belief
Now I beg you to drink with me
From this cup I failed to see
The taste of iron on my lips
Remind me of the strength I missed
The world will always turn from us
So find me something dangerous
Starset is awesome and I want to marry Dustin Bates.
Maybe a little. I do think he’s pretty cool, but this is just about me really.
It was 2 AM on a Saturday morning when my Facebook notified me that Starset had an event in Houston that fucking night. Fuck it (this is how much of my life goes), I got up at 10 AM and bought tickets for my daughter and I. I love this band (Starset Society, ties to tech, all the work that goes into their website) and have since I discovered them back in 2015, but I haven’t listened to them as much recently. Life has been about work, and hurdles, and cancer (someone else’s), and heart break, and…you know…life. I’ve left my writing behind. (Fuck I completed my first book in 2012 and did NOTHING with it…ugh). I’ve left a lot of me behind thinking I was doing better.
Hearing “Carnivore” reminded me I was letting this shit I really don’t like get the best of me. Putting “Transmissions” on and hearing “Dark on Me” reminded me of curling up next to the computer with my earbuds in and the music to loud just trying to drown it all out. I’m an emotional person. I may be good at deferring to logic, but that is not who I am.
I let myself believe that, while my Facebook friends are super supportive of my occasional desire to get published, the fact that they don’t read my stories and ask for more means I’m really not that good. (NOTHING against them…I want honesty above all else.) There are also little to no “likes” on the Starset stuff I post, and I know they are awesome, so maybe this is just the wrong crowd.
He makes a living doing something he loves…I think. I don’t know him. It’s inspiring, regardless, because it’s what I continue to try and fail to do.
But I am trying. Eventually I’m going to run out of excuses.
So far this year I’ve had to deflect lawsuits, struggle to keep a company afloat while struggling to keep my very tiny family afloat, stay strong for my daughter while her Nana – her other mother – battles lung cancer, and break a heart. This spring I want to not do anything like that. I would very much like to take my daughter to Universal Studios and completely immerse ourselves in a Harry Potter experience. We would buy robes, Ravenclaw for me and Slytherin for her, and strike out on Diagon Alley in search of our first wands. We’ll have a butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks and brave the pea soup at the Leaky Cauldron. Just have fun and forget all the shit we’ve already been through, and may still have to go. I do love dreaming.
In a second floor office trying to determine if a bill matched the bid making it payable I got a text. It said “I love you”. Kids say that. Especially if they are 10 and you are still the center of their world.
The rest made no sense. She said she was sorry, but she had to go. She promised she’d be safe and she would see me in a few months. That is not shit a 10 year old should be telling you!
I called. Five times? Ten times? A hundred? I only remember that she wasn’t picking up. Two employees and a contractor now existed in a completely separate world I could only register as incoherent noise.
I retreated behind my office door with no explanation. I was to powerless to even speak. It took her voice to give me that much back. I didn’t scream. I checked my tears.
“I don’t understand, baby. What do you mean? Florida? Please go back to the school.”
I had to catch my breath and reign in the flood.
“Please go to Nana. Nana is going to be sick with worry. Please. I love you. Please go back to the school.”
I honestly couldn’t believe she agreed to go back. I had her put Nana on the phone just to be sure. Then I raced home. Longest drive of my life. Best hug at the end.
My daughter wanted to go with her friends to another state make money so we could get our own place. Immediately after a painful divorce I lost my job. I had a new one but it takes time to recover. It was a rough time. I’m not sure how far a group of run away 10 year old would get. The horrifying possibilities still make my throat raw. They’d planned. She’d stolen supplies from her Nana. She told me she didn’t realize it would scare me so much. Obviously I missed…a lot.
She told me she was sorry. I changed. We left it at that.