March 31, 2023

Pain and love: two subjects never far from my mind. Maybe they are the only things on my mind. They consume everything I am: the love I can’t find and the pain that seems to permeate my life. I often find myself wondering if the universe just wants to know how much I can take…and then I realize I haven’t really taken that much in the grand scheme of things. I also should ask questions I don’t want the answers to because the universe has a nasty habit of doing just that.

I don’t know what I want to say. It’s probably why I keep writing in circles without every actually finishing anything. I hurt like I was ripped away from everything that ever was or will be important to me, but I also have to consider the fact that I have a flair for the dramatic. I go in circles with therapy too. And if you leave me alone with a pen and paper in a small quiet room I start drawing them…little spirals that go on and on for ever with no end. Happiness is a choice and life is….something something. Can’t seem to get the hang of it. But…gold star for me for not throwing in the towel and trying to cross the veil in an attempt to find this home I swear exists that I’ve never known.

I know how blessed I am. I am thankful for all I have. I guess I’ll just keep writing until I write my way out of this spiral I’ve been caught in all this time. Writers have that kind of magic.

March 29TH, 2023

I think about hell a lot. It’s probably the combination of a family of origin that supported religious freedom as long as you were a Christian and an overactive imagination. I wonder how evil people are truly punished for all eternity. I also wonder at the logic of punishing someone for all eternity for shit the did over the span of one hundred years or less, but I’m not a god (much like I’m not a CEO) and I don’t try to understand the for-profit workings of this crap.

I also tend to hope that maybe the powers that be are not all about the profits.

But how would you punish someone for all eternity? Our bodies are very temporary, and they are where physical pain comes from, so I don’t think persistent burning would work. I have also found that one tends to adapt to pain whether by getting strong or just giving up altogether. For instance, if you torture someone, they either figure out how to power through it or they just die, whether it’s physically, mentally, or both. The bitch of the things comes from having to process the emotional remnants of the torture for the rest of that life.

The only pains that stretch on and on forever are the bad things that happen to good people. The destruction of love and trust manages to dig canyons into the soul while leaving the mind capable of continuing to process more and more damage until it does the sensible thing and banishes trust and love for good. So it would seem that the most effective hell would be to dangle love and trust until the victim starts to settle into their warm embrace, and then take a metaphysical flame thrower to them. It wouldn’t work on absolute dregs of humanity though since they seem incapable of love or trust.

Hell doesn’t make any sense, but a part of me will always be concerned that I’m headed there since I decided not to take any of the Christian paths based on that observation…and several others like it. Couple that with my anxiety and I’m stuck trying to plan for the worst there. Which is funny is its supposed to be worse that “the worst.” It’s just been a month for existential anxiety I guess.

March 28th, 2023

I’ve been talking to myself for as long as I can remember, and I’ve been writing since before that which is a strange thing to say I think. I found a poem from 1984 which would make me six, but I don’t remember much before 12…so there you have it.

Currently that isn’t what plagues me. I’ve processed a lot of it I…hope. It’s not unlike the abyss to reach through the years to drag me back for one more round, but it happens with less frequency these days. No, what plagues me now is the question of love. It’s a hope that got me through a lot of things, and then subsequently led me into more…things. Enough things that two years ago I officially gave up on love. I couldn’t read any romance novels with much more than bland indifference. My little ace heart only quickened for words once, and now not even that could do the trick.

It’s been a while since the latest things and I’m back to my core. We never really change, but the stuff that makes us up in the beginning changes in strength. I started with pure hate and pure love, and they slosh back and forth from time to time. My Gram saw to it that love tends to win, so here I am again.

My father told me that love wasn’t real, you just found someone and then stuck with them. He seemed to have a bit of distaste for my mother (as if he could have done better) which was strange because my mother would give up her children for him. I don’t want either of their versions, but I do believe in red twine and crossing oceans time.

And what is life if it’s not what you believe? A dangerous and empowering collection of words.

The Taste of Fear

Fear and I’ve been intimate

Specifically when I wasn’t into it

Lay there. Freeze. Until they’re done.

Leaving once they’ve had their fun

That taste of fear is brick and bitter

Pain that sinks into forever

Now alone inside my scars

I wonder at those darkened stars

Lost souls that must believe

‘Tis better to give than to receive

What did my fear taste like to them?

This violently delicate sin

And the demons that they left behind

Smile with their shining eyes

Weaving in this violent ache

Offering a delicate taste

Now something in me wants to see

What your fear tastes like to me

Social Media

I made some social media sites to try and promote my writing. And I’m trying to come up with something regular to do here. I have this idea about a vampire that goes on a date with a girl. They hit it off and he’s down for a second date, but she dies. In a thoughtless moment he decides to turn her. He really wanted that second date. Its a premise for terrible writing every Wednesday. Maybe.

Here’s a haiku:

I prefer to dream

My fantasies are ruined

By reality

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Learn

You’ve stalked me for years

The dark in the glass

Keeper of my fears

Spector of my past

And now here we linger

On the same side

Where I am the stranger

The ghost when you died

We need to move forward

But I don’t know how

And so, I look inward

To ask for help now

A foreign exercise

We’ve both been burned by

Forgetting the lies

At least we know why

Let’s do this together

One, two, three

We’ve just got each other

I’ll help you help me

I know we don’t know

And this pain does to burn

But all fires go low

And we can learn

Fears

What is your deepest, darkest fear?

When every scream rendered for every tear

Finds that place where no one treads

Not even the dead?

Beyond the shadow of pain

Where you’ve looked again and again

What is your deepest, darkest fear?

What is drawing near?

Protect those you love, and love yourself less

Is it that you’re selfish or selfless?

Dig at the black day after day

Until all you’re left with is gray.

Sitting alone, shaking and cold

All time does is make you old

You finally know the last of your fears

What if there is more pain than tears?

Start

She’s holding her breath

Waiting for the world to stop

Or maybe to start

Stars

She searched for demons

Misunderstanding the dark

Is where you find stars

No Words

I have a tendency to stop writing when I’m happy. Trying to amend that. Just some haikus.

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No words

When I am happy

Words no longer feel the need

To come comfort me

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Duality

The noise of chaos

The stability of strength

The meaning of sound