You Can’t Pay For Me

You can pay for my services

My art

My skill

You can pay for my time

My voice

My words

You can pay for a world of things I can do, but

I’m a fucking person and I’m not for sale!

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Love

How do I know I love you? You scare me. I could tell you it’s because I would die for you, which I would, but dying‘s easy. If I were dead I wouldn’t have to deal with this shit anymore, and, quite frankly, that doesn’t seem so bad. The reason you scare me is because you make me want to deal with the shit so, maybe, I’ll actually live here, not just exist here. I don’t know if you’ve got demons like mine, but they can be a bitch. So you scare me because you make me want to face my demons so maybe I won’t lose you in their masochistic self destructive frivolity…and that’s real.

Talking to the Stars

Among the lights where I reside
He grasped the universe within my eyes
The brightness drew him to my side
But in the darkness he saw lies
Fascinated by my wrappings
They only prefaced our descent
Somehow he found me lacking
But he failed to see what I present
There’s always blackness between the stars
There’s always shadow in the day
So much more hides in the dark
But that is where he lost his way
He wasn’t meant to walk with me
And on my own I’ve done so well
It’s not an easy thing you see
And still I find on this I dwell
You’d think with worlds inside of you
It might be easy to be alone
With nothing outside to see me through
I fear at times I’ll come undone
Looking up to my reflection
I’ll ask the bodies time can’t reach
For one proficient in my affection
To navigate this stellar breach
And wonder if the stars are lonely
With so much emptiness around
But I can ever wonder only
While I seem tethered to the ground
Watch me softly heavenly forms
As I grapple with these scars
Finding words outside the norms
My conversations with the stars

Attempts and Such

Starset is awesome and I want to marry Dustin Bates.

Not really.

Maybe a little. I do think he’s pretty cool, but this is just about me really.

It was 2 AM on a Saturday morning when my Facebook notified me that Starset had an event in Houston that fucking night. Fuck it (this is how much of my life goes), I got up at 10 AM and bought tickets for my daughter and I. I love this band (Starset Society, ties to tech, all the work that goes into their website) and have since I discovered them back in 2015, but I haven’t listened to them as much recently. Life has been about work, and hurdles, and cancer (someone else’s), and heart break, and…you know…life. I’ve left my writing behind. (Fuck I completed my first book in 2012 and did NOTHING with it…ugh). I’ve left a lot of me behind thinking I was doing better.

Hearing “Carnivore” reminded me I was letting this shit I really don’t like get the best of me. Putting “Transmissions” on and hearing “Dark on Me” reminded me of curling up next to the computer with my earbuds in and the music to loud just trying to drown it all out. I’m an emotional person. I may be good at deferring to logic, but that is not who I am.

I let myself believe that, while my Facebook friends are super supportive of my occasional desire to get published, the fact that they don’t read my stories and ask for more means I’m really not that good. (NOTHING against them…I want honesty above all else.) There are also little to no “likes” on the Starset stuff I post, and I know they are awesome, so maybe this is just the wrong crowd.

He makes a living doing something he loves…I think. I don’t know him. It’s inspiring, regardless, because it’s what I continue to try and fail to do.

But I am trying. Eventually I’m going to run out of excuses.

Writing Prompt: My scariest moment ever was…

In a second floor office trying to determine if a bill matched the bid making it payable I got a text. It said “I love you”. Kids say that. Especially if they are 10 and you are still the center of their world.

The rest made no sense. She said she was sorry, but she had to go. She promised she’d be safe and she would see me in a few months. That is not shit a 10 year old should be telling you!

I called. Five times? Ten times? A hundred? I only remember that she wasn’t picking up. Two employees and a contractor now existed in a completely separate world I could only register as incoherent noise.

I retreated behind my office door with no explanation. I was to powerless to even speak. It took her voice to give me that much back. I didn’t scream. I checked my tears.

“I don’t understand, baby. What do you mean? Florida? Please go back to the school.”

I had to catch my breath and reign in the flood.

“Please go to Nana. Nana is going to be sick with worry. Please. I love you. Please go back to the school.”

I honestly couldn’t believe she agreed to go back. I had her put Nana on the phone just to be sure. Then I raced home. Longest drive of my life. Best hug at the end.

My daughter wanted to go with her friends to another state make money so we could get our own place. Immediately after a painful divorce I lost my job. I had a new one but it takes time to recover. It was a rough time. I’m not sure how far a group of run away 10 year old would get. The horrifying possibilities still make my throat raw. They’d planned. She’d stolen supplies from her Nana. She told me she didn’t realize it would scare me so much. Obviously I missed…a lot.

She told me she was sorry. I changed. We left it at that.

Bear

I wish I was a bear

Wrapped and warm in fur

Hidden away from winter wear

In sleep I would confer

I find that I am bare

Naked without my faith

Exposed and retreating where

Sleep becomes a wraith

I wish I had a bear

Stuffed full of love and hope

With button eyes so fair

Stable against this tightrope

I have all these wishes

And the warmth of friends that care

Full of love their dishes

My heart beats as the bear

To Write or not to Write

I got the kind of news on thanksgiving day that you keep thinking you’re going to wake up to find it was just a bad dream. Mostly. I knew the possibility of it all. It shouldn’t come as a shock, but when it happens to someone you love very dearly, someone who affects so much of your life, it’s hard to get out of that denial.

Now it colors every aspect of my thoughts and I’m not sure what to write about.

If this was just a diary I would write any drivel that seeps across my addled brain. I’m kind of glad I have an audience…however small. It discourages me from wallowing in my own self pity. It still makes interesting topics difficult however.

So the answer is…write. That’s always the answer. No matter what. Write.

Red

Growing up I remember my father telling me that a woman who has gotten naked with a man cannot be raped. If she’s gone that far with him than she’s obligated to go “all the way”. on the surface I’d say he was a madman, but I think there is an undercurrent of adherence to this belief in this world. I don’t think its openly there, but some part of most people kind of thinks this. I could be just twisted though.

Getting into BDSM one of the first things I was taught is if someone says “red” or calls out an obvious safe word the scene stops. There doesn’t have to be a reason, it doesn’t matter whats going on, and it doesn’t matter who says it everything stops and the person who stopped the scene is cared for. It was this precept that was constantly reiterated that made me comfortable enough to start exploring myself. I was finally ok with the idea that if something made me uncomfortable, no matter what I was doing, I could stop and I wouldn’t be a bad person. Some people are even into that. It’s called ‘tease and denial’ and if I’m a top in anything it would be that. Ha ha! I love being a tease. I don’t like hurting people though so I would only do it to someone who enjoyed that.

Having someone I trust unconditionally has also helped me come out of my shell. I’m a lucky girl.

Have a happy Thanksgiving and I hope you have a lot to be thankful for.

 

A New Story

Tonight is…moonshine and Diablo 3.

I have this idea. A girl, about 13, sits down on a park bench to start drawing. She looks to her right and finds a tiny notebook. Being a kid more curious than wary she picks it up. Inside is a strange series of scratches in a multitude of colors of dipped ink. To almost anyone in the world it would only be random doodles, but to this special little girl it’s a map to an extraordinary place.

In another world, closer to this one than you think, a little gray kitty with orange eyes named Elet ransacks her room glimmering in candlelight searching for something she lost. It is something of unbelievable importance. She reassures herself that it’s fine. It’s here and if it’s not then it’s somewhere no one can read it. Little does she know her mistake is about to make two worlds collide.

I’m basing the characters off my daughter and my cats. My daughter will love it. Not sure if it will go anywhere. The ideas are still very much in their infant stage. I can only say this about this new idea:

And now for something completely different!

But hey, maybe that’s what I need…something different. Life keeps feeling like dead ends lately. I changed my dating pool – ten plus years younger to almost 30 years older – and it worked. Maybe getting away from more adult lean in my writing will finally help me find my muse? Who knows? I’ll just have to wait and see.

Silver Linings

A few years ago I was pretty sure I was dying. How sure? When 911 came to my office no one blinked an eye. It wasn’t for me, but everyone else was as sure as I was apparently. The doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong. Part of that was my fault. I’m not the regular check up kind. A friend of my mine was a recently diagnosed celiac and urged me to take gluten out of my diet. What the hell? I did it and I got better. Decided to stop paying the docs to torture me and cut gluten out of my diet. Should I go back and really find out what happened? Eh…I feel better.

So whats the silver lining? I’ve gained a few pounds over the last few weeks for various reasons. The main reason is I eat more when I’m happy. I don’t want to go back to what I was, I’ve found that if I don’t eat after 6 I lose weight pretty fast. So I fixed an all gluten meal for my kid.  Can’t eat it. I was forced to eat the salad which was pretty good. So…silver linings.