March 31, 2023

Pain and love: two subjects never far from my mind. Maybe they are the only things on my mind. They consume everything I am: the love I can’t find and the pain that seems to permeate my life. I often find myself wondering if the universe just wants to know how much I can take…and then I realize I haven’t really taken that much in the grand scheme of things. I also should ask questions I don’t want the answers to because the universe has a nasty habit of doing just that.

I don’t know what I want to say. It’s probably why I keep writing in circles without every actually finishing anything. I hurt like I was ripped away from everything that ever was or will be important to me, but I also have to consider the fact that I have a flair for the dramatic. I go in circles with therapy too. And if you leave me alone with a pen and paper in a small quiet room I start drawing them…little spirals that go on and on for ever with no end. Happiness is a choice and life is….something something. Can’t seem to get the hang of it. But…gold star for me for not throwing in the towel and trying to cross the veil in an attempt to find this home I swear exists that I’ve never known.

I know how blessed I am. I am thankful for all I have. I guess I’ll just keep writing until I write my way out of this spiral I’ve been caught in all this time. Writers have that kind of magic.

Unrequited Desire

Belief is my desire
And in it there is fire
But frozen is the act
Hardened into fact

Trust is in my dreams
The thing that sews love’s seams
Buts its a leap I cannot make
No matter the steps I take

The fervor in me fails
And the fury has gone stale
Overshadowed by a liar
Unrequited desire

Narcisist

I didn’t speak

For fear the dark ocean in me

Would be a shallow pond

To the giant you thought yourself

You wrecked my foundations

With steel simulations of love

Leaving me lopsided

With cracked vision

Yet I persist

Remember the Thorns

When touching flowers

Finding roses beguiling

Remember the thorns

Depression is curable. Just be happy. Yeah fuck those people.

Remember the Thorns

When touching flowers

Finding roses beguiling

Remember the thorns

Depression is curable. Just be happy. Yeah fuck those people.

Remember the Thorns

When touching flowers

Finding roses beguiling

Remember the thorns

Depression is curable. Just be happy. Yeah fuck those people.

Remember the Thorns

When touching flowers

Finding roses beguiling

Remember the thorns

Depression is curable. Just be happy. Yeah fuck those people.

Storm

The Storm

It rages twisting tingling behind a placid wall

Try a blood letting slowly setting the pace

To maybe save face or a life (I got confused)

They pointed to the confusion as if that’s a place to reach out

Smiling smugly at their own successes while you stand there questioning

“Yes you’re supposed to let it out slowly, that’s the way of things”

And I wonder have they never seen a storm?

So it’s there, twisting, turning and roiling and boiling

Behind a carefully crumbling wall

While I still say I’m confused, but it’s they don’t understand

Have you read much of Sylvia Plath? She is a favorite of mine but the voices in her head were loud and legion. Not a criticism, just a relatable observation.

Please Don’t Blame Yourself

Please don’t blame yourself

In this my final hour

Those with blame to bare

Have taken to much power

Those who’ve only lost

I wish I could give more

But what is left is hollow

And you weren’t there before

Please don’t blame yourself

Those that need a reason

You reveled in my bounty

And darkened all my seasons

But I am sure you’ll use me

Just this one last time

Now that I have taken

The last of what is mine

Please don’t blame yourself

That I was alone tonight

That you did not ask me more

Or beg me just to fight

And in the coming silence

Of a life placed on a shelf

I wish I would have told me

Please don’t blame yourself.

Paper Flowers

I am paper flowers

Crumpled to the floor

There’s no smoothing out the creases

And there are always more

I was pretty once

White and innocent

Now I’m drowning in the ink

So many pages spent

I wonder at this story

Where it’s meant to go

Paper flowers don’t die

But they also do not grow

I feel frail and tossed about

A leaf upon the wind

Struggling in my course

Afraid of where I’ll end

But I’m so much more than flowers

That’s what I forget

Each petal is a story

That’s not unfolded yet